Saturday, January 3, 2015

Keeping My Head Above Water


Despite the festive holiday season, and my family being (mostly) healthy and full of energy, I have really struggled with my health. First it was three weeks of bronchitis and sinus infection. 

Then, I guess because of the forced inactivity from being sick, I had a bad bout of depression. It felt like wading through molasses to get through the day. Abi was weird and upset during the holidays, and that never helps. Her grief and neediness never fails to pull me down.

This week, on New Year's Day, I treated myself to a movie: Into the Woods. Fun, but I really paid for it. The headache and low vision that had already been threatening hit like a sledgehammer and yesterday I was trying to do the bills when all I wanted to do was hide in a dark place. 

Ever since the heavy coughing, my sleep has been interrupted as well. Depression and insomnia go hand in hand for me, so I'll wake at 2:30 and stay awake for hours every. single. night. Those are the times when hurts from the past come back to reattack me and flay my spirit into naked, bleeding shards. My memory that can't remember anything I see retains everything I hear and old conversations or cruel words float to the surface and rip me apart. All I can do is weep and pray for help. It's not helping with recovery or feeling better!

I don't share all this to complain, but for honesty. Things, even when they're rosy, don't always feel rosy. Sometimes I need a little extra dose of grace.

2 comments:

  1. It doesn't sound like complaining at all. In fact, I'm not sure I have ever heard you complain (and I'm the queen of that department I think). You are always honest and I love that about you. It's incredibly refreshing. I so enjoyed the movie and chatting on the way home.

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  2. You are covered in prayer my dear!! I hope you are feeling better. I love your honesty. xxxooo

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