What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day.
~George Bernard Shaw, Pygmalion, Act 2
I guess something has put me in a pensive mood. Don't know what. But here are the thoughts swirling in my head.
I want to live life to the most that I can live, to do what I can with the time I have here on earth. The biggest tragedy would be to come to the end, whenever that is, and have a bunch of regrets. I want to love as fully as I can, to give as much of myself away as I can, to help as many people as I can, to create as much beauty as I can.
It seems that there are so many limitations on my life. Every day it seems I am reminded of how I can't do something I'd like to be able to do. Take today for instance. I deep cleaned my bathroom, scrubbing out the toilet with pumice. Just that hour's worth of activity made my back hurt so badly that I was almost in tears for most of the rest of the day even after taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen. It frustrates me. I want to work hard. I wish I could work all day long or run a marathon or see faces across the room. I wish I could wash my dishes without pain. But I can't do those things. Instead I want to focus on what I can do and drink deeply of everything life has to offer me. The things I can do I usually do well. The things I cannot do often frustrate me because I would like to do them equally well.
There is joy in life, even in pain, even in failure. There is joy in doing my best, joy in the unexpected small things. When I come to the end of my life, years down the road and I look back on my life right now I will see that I did my best with what I had and I will rejoice. Rather than regret, I will celebrate the draught of life I am even now drinking. Not with perfection of purpose but with the joie de vivre and remembering that every second is meaningful and beautiful. I will not waste it with the might-have-beens because there are none. There are the nows and the yet-to-bes.
I used to be frightened of the future. Sometimes I suppose I still am. A person cannot go through some of the things I have gone through and not have a little apprehension that tomorrow the rug will be jerked out and everything might go dark. But I am learning to walk in the here and now, to enjoy the mountain I am climbing today and not to fear the one up ahead. I suppose that is one of the things I learned while hiking.
So today I feel perfectly satisfied with my life. And instead of looking at the future with fear I'll choose to enjoy the moment which is beautiful and trust that when the future comes I will be given the grace to handle the hard stuff and the courage to truly enjoy without reservation the blessings of each day.