I awoke this morning feeling nervous about adopting. When I was pregnant I felt really nervous, especially with the first one but there was nothing I could do about it. Inevitably that baby was coming whether I liked it or not. All I had to do was sit back and let nature take its course.
This time I have the jitters and I could call the whole thing off at any time. That's a weird feeling; everything is less sure, less certain. I don't know what our baby will be like, what race, what gender.
Of course I am choosing to do it this way. Too much control and I am sure to screw things up. Instead, our baby is chosen by God, just like the previous two. I'd like to have a girl. Curly wants a sister. But we may not get a girl.
The race issue worries me. Not for myself because I think little black babies are the absolute cutest things in the world. I know my hubby and kids would be super too. I worry about the rest of the world. Would my baby struggle living in a white family? Would classmates be cruel, would strangers make comments? He or she would look so different and though that doesn't bother me in the slightest, it might bother the child, especially as the teen years hit. I suppose we'll pray for wisdom to deal with it just like we deal with every other childhood issue.
Hubby, too, is thinking about it a lot, I can tell. He talks about having an infant in our house, of doing things with the kids and wanting them to finally be old enough to do things like camping. We have gone camping with infants but it's a lot of work! Still, I look forward to being much healthier than I was with my previous infants, ready to get out and have adventures. With a shudder, I remember Mister's first six months of life and I pretty much stayed on the couch the whole time, completely unable to walk even to the store due to the abdominal injury I sustained during labor. We did venture out a few times but it took several days to recover from the pain of walking even a few blocks. This time I will be able to enjoy my baby with energy and enthusiasm.
This time around everything feels very different. Yes, I'm expectant. Yes, I am very nervous. Those are the same. But this time I am not puking my toenails up, lying in bed under the blackest of depression. This time instead we are making phone calls, talking to agencies, wondering at the unknowns, the possibilities. We are wondering and waiting and praying. Possibly the baby already exists somewhere out there, conceived and growing. My baby. God is even now setting everything in motion for the child He will place in our family.